I’m in a real funk this evening. It started this evening after my confession. I took older two children both with me. Older daughter isn’t old enough, but I thought it would be good for her to sort of observe the process.
I wasn’t originally going to take either of them. I was just going to swing by the Madalene on the way home from work, go home and eat and take a few kids to the Mass of the Last Supper at St. Mary’s at 7. But when I mentioned it last night, older son said he wanted to go. *cue angels singing*
I was so thrilled that he wanted to go. Last Sunday was the first time I had really seen him express interest in anything church related in a long long time.
So I came home and picked him and older daughter up. We were in the van on the way thought and I mentioned that St. Marys didn’t have confession this afternoon, so we were going to the Madalene. Uh oh.
He started to whine. I assured him that Father Bryan is very nice. He said, oh, Father Bryan came to my school one time to hear confessions, Okay.
But when we got there, he peaked in the window (why are there windows in a confessional??) and got whiny again. That was the same Father Bryan. It is so hard to know how hard to push him. and by that I mean, I know better than to try to push him. He always does this. Such anxiety with the unexpected.
I was not at my parenting best. I started trying to coax him. I remember thinking, I need to have patience. But I didn’t. I said all the things I shouldn’t have said.
I tried to bribe him with McDonald’s on the way home and ice cream after mass.
I threatened to take away his kindle, the wii, the tv, the movies. all the screens. We’re going to get rid of all of our stuff and sell our house.
All my own annoyances and anxieties spilled out.
He cried on the way home. I don’t remember the last time he cried.
I realized on the way home that it was 10 til 7. Tonight’s mass started at 7. So I turned toward St. Marys. I hadn’t eaten dinner. Neither I suppose had they. We got to church and older daughter wouldn’t walk in. I carried her. We went to the bathroom. She didn’t want to leave the stall because she realized she had pajama pants on.
She cried. I cried. So we went to the cry room. Since know you, we were crying. I cried off and on through most of the mass.
Grief. Holy Thursday is the start of the Triduum. Which means its almost Easter. It’s Thursday. He died the Thursday after Easter. We shopped for Easter clothes yesterday. I was an angry mama yesterday. I yelled a lot after we went to Target and shopped. I wasn’t sure why. I guess I know part of why now. I stayed up too late Tuesday night. I didn’t get enough sleep. That was probably part of it too.
And I did have therapy on Tuesday. I’m usually wrecked on Wednesday mornings. I’m not used to having the kids home on Wednesdays after therapy. Last week I didn’t go to therapy since I was sick.
This past couple weeks, I updated my budget spreadsheet. I’m currently projecting/budgeting expenses that are about 3 times what I am bringing in each month. At that rate, my life insurance investments only last about 5 years.
When you buy life insurance, you base things on your current budget. There are so many things you don’t think about, sanity saving things. The expenses that get added. Cleaning. Lawn Service. Therapy. Nanny. Gym membership. New van. My vacation club (time share). Luxury perhaps, but things that are making my life manageable. Survivable right now.
I was so sure I needed this big house so each kid could have their own room. I was certain that it wasn’t that big of a deal that my lawn here isn’t that much smaller.
Yet it bothers me quite a lot how I am spending more than I make. It makes me so angry and crazy not having a balanced budget.
I don’t have a good way to save for retirement if I spend all the life insurance money. I don’t want to go back to work full time in 5 years. I have never liked working full time. So I keep circling back to my budget. How do I prioritize the things that are more important? I guess that is just it. I need to look at the list and prioritize.
I have around 85 line items on my budget. That feels so surreal and absurd and extravagant.
Which things are essential? Which things make my life easier and better? Which things make my life more complicated?
I haven’t felt like I have made a lot of progress mentally / spiritually this Lent. Physically I have become stronger. This past year I have been very focused on self care and making my life easier, typically spending money to accomplish both. Spiritually though, I feel a bit of a plateau. I wonder if making some sacrifices, if spending less money on some things, could lead to some more fulfilling life experiences. I needed to experience some things to learn, that maybe it isn’t what I need.
But where to make those sacrifices? How do discern what will bring us closer as a family?
Well I don’t know how much of my last two days you really got out of that. But I guess that was what I needed to write right now.
I need to listen to the Divine Mercy chaplet and then get some sleep. I have a big day tomorrow.
I may not write tomorrow. I might need sleep more. I don’t know yet. Pray for me.